Friday, January 12, 2018

College..... for moms.

You may have went to college... Or maybe not.

Either way- whether you did or you didn't, let's face it, sometimes parenting is hard.

 Sometimes I feel like a huge failure.

Sometimes I wish I'd studied a bit more before I jumped into this whole mom-gig.

 Heck, sometimes I just think I need a sister wife.
(But that's a whole other blog post)

If  only they had an online course I could take.

Like... Is there some how-to-parent continuing education hours somewhere I can take?

Does anyone know how I can get re-certified?!

These are all questions I ask myself daily.

Lucky for you- along with help for my toddler this week, alone, I've done all the legwork and put together this super-exclusive-almost-sold-out-free-but-it-doesn't-even-really-exist- list of parenting  courses that would really be helpful if they really even existed.

But they don't.

So that sucks.

Punishment Psychology 101 
This course is to help you realize your kid is not really 'SO CUTE'. I know everyone else has those average kids -and yours well, yours looks like a magical unicorn compared to theirs and you could stare at your kid's face all day, right? Listen, this is just nature's way of  helping us not abandon our kids. Good job, nature. Thank you. But people, please do us all a favor and spank your kid. Even cute kids need spanking, y'all! 

Maternal Cry Management 207 
This course is designed to help you realize there are distinct cries and help you differentiate between them. Parents, it is crucial that you learn these cries. How hard they cry should depend on your reaction. Never. Appear. Concerned. It sounds weird but if you sow any sign of fear over a small tumble it will increase your child's hysterical cry by ten million percent. FACT.

 Everyday Torture 505 - this is an advanced class 
In this class we will teach you how to navigate through the Terrible-Twos where every single day you feel like you are trapped in a Jumanji game, only scarier.  Examples: You ask your toddler to eat - they scream like a wild Banshee. You tell your toddler it's bedtime -  they think the world is ending and their hair is on fire. 

Managing a Picky Eater 200 
Where you will learn about the kid who loves chicken nuggets one night, then refuses to have anything to do with it the next but strangely enough he will eat it from your plate because your food will always taste better than his. Hey - maybe it's your full size fork that makes it taste better. Either way he will refuse bites from his Superman plate and matching cutlery set. If you prefer eating with no one in your lap- this course is for you!

Refusing Sleep 101 
They're rubbing their eyes. Their face is red. They're bumping into things and they look drunk on cheap wine. Why won't your kid down and go to sleep? Why are they fighting this? All of these answers and more can be found in this exclusive class. (This class fills up fast!)

Listen... I'll say it again, parenting is hard, people. Aside from being super-sad that these awesome classes don't really even exist, I am equally sad that there is not a night-club out there somewhere with a room just for over weight moms. Somewhere we could all sit around in our PJs  and eat Nutella out of a jar- because I'd totally get a sitter for that!

But hey, what do I know? 

I'm just a Liar & Catfisher -woman... 

Standing in front of a clock... 

Asking it to be my kids bedtime.