Thursday, September 1, 2016

We're getting a reality TV show!!!

Ha! Just kidding.

The funny thing is, people are always saying "ya'll need a reality TV show!"

My family maybe crazy-funny, but if there's one thing I know that would make reality TV not pretty..... its real-life motherhood!

Seriously....picture Melissa McCarthy meets.... a Martha Stewart wanna-be.
She'd be all like... "Hi, I'm Roxie and this is my blog.....blah, blah, blah."

Picture me in a moo-moo with a koolaid mustache yelling at my kids, tripping, trying not to step on my son's pet lizard that I didn't even know he had, cussing. 

Not Pretty.

Picture youngest daughter has lost one of her softball cleats and is having a melt-down, my oldest daughter has applied more make-up than anyone who even works at a circus should have on, and that one year old just found a full glass of ice tea and has dumped it all over himself ... Oh! and your oldest son cant seem to locate that pet lizard....all just before we are heading out the door.

Not pretty.

Picture that same one year old slinging poo all over my van... while I'm driving.

Not pretty.

Picture me trying to carry the stroller down a flight of stairs (with the baby inside)  at my children's school.... and not succeeding. And down tumbles the baby...

Not pretty.

Sure, sometimes I write funny crap, but actually I'm not very funny in person, unless I'm super drunk.

Which brings me to my next point.... no one needs to see me after one (or 10) glasses of Boone's Farm. ( Yes, Boone's Farm, don't judge!)

Not pretty.

Picture me on the rare occasion that I do meet the girls out for a margarita, its only a matter of sips before my eyes get droopy and I sound like I have a speech disorder.
(This is why I don't drink anymore, btw!)

Not pretty.

Picture Bubble Guppies and Naked & Afraid on repeat at our house. It gets really old... really fast. Sure, its all cute the first time your kids are singing along happily to every song on Bubble Guppies, but by the 958,254 time you kind of want to walk in front of a train.

Or when your 8 year old son asks if when he grows up if he can be on Naked & Afraid and you say, "Why wait? Surprise! We know how much you love that show so we applied to be on Naked & Afraid as a family! Pack your bags! We're ALL going, even your grandparents, too!

Then your kids all start crying, hysterically.

Now, this is reeeeeally funny, but probably shouldn't be aired on TV.

Four child meltdowns, simultaneously ...

not pretty.

Picture me doing Zumba. Enough said.
No one needs to follow me to Zumba class!
 You know why?


Picture me spending a good part of my day taking ridiculously annoying meme pictures of my kids, then emailing them to my husband to print, just so I can put them in an annoying book that no one cares about that I don't even have time to make. That's just not interesting TV.

No very pretty at all.

Get it, people?

No one will appreciate real-life motherhood.

Writing about it is one thing, but seeing it is another. It is the most un-glamorous job in the world. True, the benefits are the best! I mean, where else do you enjoy getting paid with unconditional love?

That doesn't matter, though.

If you see a fat, frumpy, dumpy, mom with  cellulite, hot glue gun burns, and bags under her eyes taking her kids to practice, feeding them Taco Bell 3x's a week for dinner, you're not going to say... "Wow! I cant wait to watch her! Hurry! Record it! She's awesome!"

Nope, you're going to say... "Wow, she looks like poop."

So, I will do the world a favor and I'll stick to "reality blogging."