Wednesday, September 14, 2016

So much for a relaxing uneventful weekend...

This weekend both of my SIL's and their kids came for a much needed visit. 

What I thought was going to be a nice relaxing, uneventful, weekend quickly turned around when I arrived home after shopping to find Raigen mad because CJ had been chasing her and squirting her in the face with a bottle, contents unknown. 

I quickly had her retrieve the villain and his accomplice, the "water" bottle, which actually turned out to be a clear, unmarked, chemical spray bottle which contained an unknown liquid. 
He apparently found this bottle upstairs in the craft room.

The craft room hasn't had visitors in at least two years.

"CJ, why would you chase your sister and spray her with a chemical bottle?
You dont even know what is in there! You could of blinded her... or hurt her really bad!" I scolded him.

"Chill mom... " he said casually, "its just salt water."

"And  how do you know its just salt water?" I asked, by this point I was furious.

"Because, I tasted it and it tasted like saltwater, duh." he explained. 

Hold-up! Did my 8 year old just tell me that he TASTED the contents of a cleaning bottle to see what it was?!
Spoiler alert: HE DID!!!

I couldn't believe it and at this point I was seriously about to lose all the patience and/or cool I had left.

Is there a full moon?

Seriously...  some days I feel like an expert at this whole parenting thing and other days I feel like I'm in a hostage negotiation situation with a bunch of drunk bipolar monkeys!
 In case you were wondering, on this particular day, it was the latter.


Tuesday, September 13, 2016

That one time my kid embarrassed me: #837,322

"Kids are so funny," people use to tell me before I had kids.

But, are they? I thought. 

Funny... how?

They even told me I wouldn't remember my life before kids.

They told me that having kids would be the, "Best Thing Ever!"

Granted, this is all probably true, long-term.
But it is definitely not true at those 3am feedings... or when you wake up to urine soaked sheets.... or when your son decides to tell your whole office a very, VERY inappropriate joke that he picked up at the Mickey Gilley concert that his Dad took him to.

Nope... not so funny.

"Hey, you wanna hear a joke I heard at the Mickey Gilley concert?" CJ asked my office yesterday after school.
Everyone was all ears.
"There was this boy and he wanted to eat breakfast...." he started.
"And so his mom said go do your chores first then you can eat breakfast. So the little boy did. The little boy went to feed the cow and they cow's tail slapped him in the face so the boy got mad and kicked the cow. Next, the boy went to feed the chickens and he was still mad so he kicked the chickens. And then lastly, the boy went to feed the pigs and he was still mad, too, so he kicked the pig."

Innocent enough.. right?

Just wait.

He continued....
"So then the boy came into the house and sat down for breakfast. He looked on the table and all he has was dry cereal. The boy said, Mom, why do I just have dry cereal? And his mom said, well, I saw what  you did to the cow, so you dont get no milk. And I saw what you did to the chickens, so you dont get no eggs.... and I saw what you did to the pigs so you dont get no bacon."

At this point, I'm like, "get to the pooooooint!"

Oh, and then he does.....

And the joke continues... " So, then the little boys father came down the stairs and tripped and kicked the cat and the little boys says, hey mom, do you want me to tell him, or do you?"
At this point all I heard gasping, giggling, and I think someone almost fell out of her chair!
"What's so funny?" he asked,completely serious. 
"I dont get what the big deal is..."
And believe me when I say, he did not get that joke, not even one bit!
At this point we explained to him that animal cruelty is nothing to joke around about. 
I also informed him that if I ever hear him tell that joke again he is grounded for life!



Raigen {Fall Ball-2016}

Isn't she the cutest little softball player.... like, ever?!

We had exactly 30 seconds to run on the field after her game to snap this!

I think it captures her personality pretty well! 

Thursday, September 8, 2016

My family is so ..... darling.

Why did I think taking a 1 year old out to dinner would be okay?


What is wrong with me?

Tonight after Raigen's softball game we decided to grab dinner at The Blue Duck.

Apparently Ryker had other plans.

I don't know why people have omitted to remind me not to take my one year old in public and how it is perfectly normal to not eat out with your kids when they are between the ages of  1 to 3 1/2.

I feel like I have PTSD now and memories of my other three at this age are slowly but surely coming back to me.
Sidenote: I need a drink.

Ryker's performance was so loud that he and I literally had to get up and leave as soon as our food arrived because, although alcohol sales were sky-high at The Blue Duck this evening, I was being conscious of those who were trying to drowned-out the screams of my wild child with glasses of Jack & Coke. Someone had to make sure these people could still drive home.

So, quickly, I packed up my food, threw the diaper bag over my shoulder, grabbed Ryker like a football, and sprinted for the door (okay, it was more of a brisk-walk).

As I am on my way out I hear the waitress talking to my kids, apparently she is blind and deaf, because she was confused as to why I was leaving.

And I faintly hear my darling CJ tell her, "she just prolly dont wanna pay for the food." 

And my (equally-darling) Raigen chimed in, "yeah, she likes to spend all her money buying shoes. She's prolly going to by some more now."

And you know what my darling husband said?


Friday, September 2, 2016


I've been thinking about hobbies a lot here lately.

Hobbies are cool. They make you cool.

I use to have a ton of hobbies before kids.

I painted.

I ate out, a lot.

I traveled.

I volunteered for a nonprofit.

I played the trumpet.

I actually cleaned my house.

But now... now... things are different. I am on my ninth year of marriage with four kids and no hobbies.

This is bad.

Reeeeeally bad.

So basically, I am hobbie-less.

Unless you count these:

My kids.
Do I really need to elaborate? From the second I open my eyes my day revolves around these buttheads.

Making lists.
I friggin' loooooove making lists. Who doesn't? I make several a day: grocery list, to-do list, wish I could do list.
I even have a "To-buy" list which includes everything from this years Christmas list to Ryker's next birthday. I see it and like it.... I list it!

Pretending to write a blog.
I cant really call myself a writer because Josh says there are too many grammatical errors, but I do enjoy writing this blog. I em goin to practus to  I can get beeter.

Eating sushi.
I don't do this near as much as I would like. Other than gas station sushi, I cant figure out enough ways to incorporate sushi into my every day life. Unfortunately, it gets pricey so I limit myself to special occasions. I look for any reason to eat sushi. One time I even purposely avoided the grocery store for two weeks so we would run out of food. Nothing in the fridge? Oh.... guess I'll grab sushi. Luckily its only a 45 minute drive there... and back.
Everyone in the car!
We are going to dinner...... in humble!

Taking pictures.
I can't call myself a photographer because that sounds too professional. And  I rely too much on photoshop to make my pictures look good.
Kids aren't smiling?
Photoshop to the rescue!

Online shopping.
I am actually just addicted to packing my cart with stuff that I really have no plans to buy.
My philosophy is, if its still there next week... its meant to be!

I use to love to read.
I went from reading 50 Shades of Grey to  Setting Limits with Your Strong-willed Child.
On so many levels.

Watching Big Brother.
Gosh, I love this show.

So...  yeah. These are my hobbies now. Kind of depressing.

Mother-hood has taken my energy.... my heart.... and apparently, my hobbies, too.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

We're getting a reality TV show!!!

Ha! Just kidding.

The funny thing is, people are always saying "ya'll need a reality TV show!"

My family maybe crazy-funny, but if there's one thing I know that would make reality TV not pretty..... its real-life motherhood!

Seriously....picture Melissa McCarthy meets.... a Martha Stewart wanna-be.
She'd be all like... "Hi, I'm Roxie and this is my blog.....blah, blah, blah."

Picture me in a moo-moo with a koolaid mustache yelling at my kids, tripping, trying not to step on my son's pet lizard that I didn't even know he had, cussing. 

Not Pretty.

Picture youngest daughter has lost one of her softball cleats and is having a melt-down, my oldest daughter has applied more make-up than anyone who even works at a circus should have on, and that one year old just found a full glass of ice tea and has dumped it all over himself ... Oh! and your oldest son cant seem to locate that pet lizard....all just before we are heading out the door.

Not pretty.

Picture that same one year old slinging poo all over my van... while I'm driving.

Not pretty.

Picture me trying to carry the stroller down a flight of stairs (with the baby inside)  at my children's school.... and not succeeding. And down tumbles the baby...

Not pretty.

Sure, sometimes I write funny crap, but actually I'm not very funny in person, unless I'm super drunk.

Which brings me to my next point.... no one needs to see me after one (or 10) glasses of Boone's Farm. ( Yes, Boone's Farm, don't judge!)

Not pretty.

Picture me on the rare occasion that I do meet the girls out for a margarita, its only a matter of sips before my eyes get droopy and I sound like I have a speech disorder.
(This is why I don't drink anymore, btw!)

Not pretty.

Picture Bubble Guppies and Naked & Afraid on repeat at our house. It gets really old... really fast. Sure, its all cute the first time your kids are singing along happily to every song on Bubble Guppies, but by the 958,254 time you kind of want to walk in front of a train.

Or when your 8 year old son asks if when he grows up if he can be on Naked & Afraid and you say, "Why wait? Surprise! We know how much you love that show so we applied to be on Naked & Afraid as a family! Pack your bags! We're ALL going, even your grandparents, too!

Then your kids all start crying, hysterically.

Now, this is reeeeeally funny, but probably shouldn't be aired on TV.

Four child meltdowns, simultaneously ...

not pretty.

Picture me doing Zumba. Enough said.
No one needs to follow me to Zumba class!
 You know why?


Picture me spending a good part of my day taking ridiculously annoying meme pictures of my kids, then emailing them to my husband to print, just so I can put them in an annoying book that no one cares about that I don't even have time to make. That's just not interesting TV.

No very pretty at all.

Get it, people?

No one will appreciate real-life motherhood.

Writing about it is one thing, but seeing it is another. It is the most un-glamorous job in the world. True, the benefits are the best! I mean, where else do you enjoy getting paid with unconditional love?

That doesn't matter, though.

If you see a fat, frumpy, dumpy, mom with  cellulite, hot glue gun burns, and bags under her eyes taking her kids to practice, feeding them Taco Bell 3x's a week for dinner, you're not going to say... "Wow! I cant wait to watch her! Hurry! Record it! She's awesome!"

Nope, you're going to say... "Wow, she looks like poop."

So, I will do the world a favor and I'll stick to "reality blogging."