Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Parenting tips

Here I am nearly a decade in, (Wow! That sounds like a long time...) and if there's one thing I know about parenting, it's that I really don't know much at all.
What I do know is parenting is hard work, people.
Ya'll wanna go on and on about life-hacks, but they never pertain to parenting.
I'd rather know how to calm a screaming toddler than how to fit two bowls in a microwave any day.
But, whatever....
The truth is... there are no parenting-hacks.
Sheesh, why you gotta make me yell?!
When I first became a Mommy nine years ago, I had no idea what I was doing. I went from fixing my hair and make up everyday to wearing giant mesh underwear and wondering when I will ever even get the chance to wash my hair again.
Today, nothings changed.
So you want to get ready for that new baby?
Here are my 25 parenting hacks tips:
Rule #1:
Be quiet or you'll wake the baby.

"Ssh! Quiet! The baby is sleeping!"
Scratch this, K?
The first rule is... this is not a rule.
Loud music and bright lights will not wake a sleeping newborn.
You wanna know what will?
Sitting down to pee.
Rule #2:
Sleep when the baby sleeps.
You will hear this a lot.
This is true.
Unless.... the baby falls asleep in the car and you are driving.
Then you should definitely not be sleeping.
Rule #3:
If you dress your baby up in something cute, most likely they will poop, everywhere.
Rule #4:
If you dress up in something cute, most likely they will poop, everywhere.
Rule #5:
Learn to be ambidextrous.
You will eat 97% of your meals incredibly fast with one hand from now on.
Get ready!
Rule #6:
Get use to sounding ridiculous.
Start making up rules that should never have to be said aloud, but when you become a parent they do, such as, "No pooping in the bath tub" and " Do not lick the dog."
No, I am not joking.
Rule #7:
Hold that baby! A lot!
You'll never look back and wish you held your baby less.
I promise!
Rule #8:
Get use to driving around in a rolling Febreze commercial.
The back seat of your car will be naaaaasty.
I don't care how often you clean your car, or how much of a 'neat-freak' you used to be.... crushed Cheetos, spilled juice, and gummy bears are in your cars near future.
Rule #9:
Don't feel bad if you baby isn't sleeping thru the night.
When people constantly ask you if your baby is sleeping all night, just lie and say, "yes!"
It helps to avoid all the stupid sleep advice.
Just say, "I don't know... I spend most of my nights out clubbing."
That's what I do.
Rule #10:
Don't try to accomplish too much in any given day.
Set realistic goals.
Pick one thing: Grocery shopping, unloading the dishwasher, or one load of laundry.
But never all three.
Rule #11:
It's totally okay to cry.
And its okay to be tired. Take a few minutes to recharge. Snuggle that baby, bury your face in his neck, breathe him, and count to ten.
Suddenly it will all be okay.
Repeat as much as necessary.
Rule #12:
Get ready to clean, and clean, and clean it again.
Look, having a toddler is like having a blender with no lid.
Enough said.
Rule #13:
Learn to be a ninja.
When you need something from the baby's room late at night ninja skills will come in handy. You will be able to slip in and out without waking the beast.
Rule #14:
Beware of cuteness.
Cuteness is a very, very powerful thing that babies are born with.
Right now you're all like... "I'll  never give in to my kid when they whine and fuss."
But you have never had a toddler peer up at you and say, "Pweeeease?"
Have you?
So shut-it.
Rule #15: 
Say good-bye to your adult life.

From now on, you will have limited time for 'adult-ing'.
Get ready to cram your entire adult life between the time your kid goes to sleep and you go to bed.
"Quick! Turn on Breaking Bad! Pour the wine! Tell me what you think about Obamacare! Ah, crap! It's bed time."
Rule #16:
Get prepared to dress like a homeless person... or worse.
Ask a friend to puke, pee, and splatter milk on you.
Now, do not change your shirt for two weeks.
Rule #17:
Do not waste your time folding baby clothes.
Its torture.
Just put them in a basket and pick from it. Chances are they will out grow them before you've had a chance to fold them anyway.
Rule #18:
Easily embarrassed? Not anymore!
Singing to your screaming baby in public? Finding that your son has wiped boogers all over the back of your shirt?
Nope. It'll take a  lot more than that from now on.
Rule #19:
Practice makes perfect.
Practice calling loved ones by anything but their given names. This is a very important rule. You get bonus points if you can involve both food and animals.
And triple points if you can involve a bodily function, too.
"Come here my widdle poopy-potato-monkey-butt!"
Rule #20:
You can now add 'Interpreter' to your resume.
For a while, you will be the only one able to understand your child, so you will basically become their interpreter.
People will ask, "Huh? What did he say? Booga dodo boo?"
To which you'll reply, " he said to put it on Bubble Guppies and get him some juice."
Rule #21:
Practice your 'Royal Speaking'.
Start speaking in a royal tone, especially when saying something insane like, "we do not eat the toilet paper!" or "we just love creamed beets and bananas, don't we?"
It just sounds so much better.
Rule #22:
Post TONS of pictures on Facebook.
(This is my personal favorite.)
If you think you might be posting too many pictures....
You probably are.
Post more.
And more.
Cool people like baby pictures.
Rule #23:
Don't just be a mom, be a really good mom.
Practice this by asking your friends ridiculous questions in public like: "Did you really brush your teeth? Really? Let me smell you breath!"
And then ask them about their underwear.
Rule #24:
Do not let people annoy you!
As a new mom, strangers will often as you stupid questions like...
"Is your baby a good baby?"
Surprise them and say, "heck no!"
Just do it. It's funny. I promise.
And lastly, Rule #25:
Remember it's all worth it.
Remember that being a parent is often the hardest job you will ever have, but the most rewarding, too.
So hold those babies.
And give them lots of sugars.
Because they only stay little for a little while.
The days are long but the years are short.
So cherish every single second.
Because before you know it, you wont be able to pick them up.
And they wont want to give you so many sugars.
Because they won't be so little anymore.