Wednesday, August 24, 2016

90's moms don't know shhhhhh....

While grocery shopping with all four kids today, an out spoken older lady (probably in her mid-50's- around the same age as my mom) in a scooter, caught me at my lowest.

The store I was shopping at was out of my kid's favorite flavor of Ramen. My kids were not happy and demanded I speak to the manager and Ryker had just sharted out of his diaper.

I wanted to run far, far away.

And that lady got me thinking... my mother's generation, the 90's mother, really don't know a thing about the struggle of raising kids today.

I mean, kuddos to you, who if you (like my mom) had four kids with no epidural, just for fun. (I had a C-section so I don't know what it feels like to push a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon, as my mom says.)

But, what I do know is, my mom's generation had it easy.

Example #1: Flashback! Back-to-school 1990-ish

You start by taking your kids down to the local Sears to go shopping for back to school clothes.
You buy the younger kids overalls and a wind suit and your preteen a pair of Guess jeans. You also buy everyone a Jansport backpack here, too. You have spent roughly $193.00 and you celebrate your accomplishment by taking everyone to Golden Corral for dinner.

On the night before school you throw the kids (unrestrained) in the Ford Aerostar van and hurry down to Eckerds to the 'Back-to-school' section to pick out a lunchbox. Next, you'll need to yell at them and tell them to hurry or they'll miss Boy Meets World. Why is it so difficult for a six year old to pick between Barbie and Inspector Gadget? And while they are deciding go ahead and grab a composition book for each kid and a pack of pencils, since that is all they'll need. Oh- and don't forget to save your paper grocery bags to cover their text books with after the first day of school.

And while you are checking out, buy yourself a pack of Virginia Slims and smoke two of them on the ride home, because with stress like that, you deserve it!

When you get home line all the lunchboxes out on the formica counter and open the bag of Wonder Bread and make them all Spam and Miracle Whip sandwiches, assembly line style. When you are done, wrap each sandwich in foil, fill a baggie with cheetos and secure it with a twist tie, and fill their thermos with koolaid. Compete each lunch with a twin pack-Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll.
And you are done, whew, that was exhausting!

Now don't worry about making breakfast even though you're a stay at home mom, the kids will grab a pop-tart on the way out to their 2 mile hike to catch the bus.

Example #2: Fast foward! Back-to-school 2016:

Take five deep breaths and say a prayer.

It's middle of July and you haven't bought crap. Calm down, if you order now, they may still have some of the BPA-free lunch totes that did not involve any child labor, sweat shops, or animal cruelty, in stock. You then remember you have Amazon Prime, so its okay, you will get it in two days anyway! So you have plenty of time to read reviews and research this very important decision since you have the week off from your kids because your kids are in summer camp. Summer camp is actually a fancy word for very expensive private summer school because OH MY GOSSSSSSSH! It was expensive! But they need it, those kids have energy to burn! You are still having night terrors about the time you stayed home sick from work and were confined to the toilet and your kids had a meltdown when something went wrong with the homemade play-dough recipe that was in their sensory box , which happened to be the very same day you sent your husband to the grocery store to buy Almond milk and all they had was soy and you had to immediately email corporate because soy is so 90's. Get with it Walmart!

Two days later the lunch kits arrive and so does your kids list of school supplies, which includes: a ten pound box of pencils, cleaning products, and Costco size box of zip lock bags.

Next, you frantically search online for backpacks made from all natural materials. Once you receive these, you must next have them monogrammed.

Now its time for school clothes. Take your kids to the mall and buy them each a complete wardrobe from Gymboree, Childrens Place, Gap, Abercrombie, and Justice. Congratulations you just spent $1667.52. And remember this doesn't even include shoes.

After this you need to make your child an appointment to the family psychologist to prepare them mentally for the difficult transition to a new grade, teacher, and classroom.

Now, if you have daughters you will also need to make them an appointment for mani,  pedis, and haircuts. If you have boys they will only need a haircut.

Next on the list is the "Personalized Meet the Teacher Gift" to be promptly given to each teacher on meet the teacher night. You'll want them to know in advance who the suck-ups are.

Its getting closer to the first day so you'll need to purchase school supplies, which is not to be confused with the classroom supplies you are also responsible for. Their school supplies list will include: pens, pencils, paper, folders, notebooks, a calligraphy set, and a graphing calculator.

Now its time to shop for their lunches. This will take you no less than four hours because you will have to read every single label to make sure you are purchasing organic, locally sourced, non-GMO, gluten-free products. You come home with rice cakes and bananas and somehow you have spent $59.22.

The time has arrived... the night before the first day. Start out by making a sandwich and forming it into their favorite Disney character and photograph it for Facebook. Now fill up their monogrammed yeti tumbler with coconut water. Also add bottle of Fiji water, kids can never be to hydrated. Ever.
Lastly- don't forget a handwritten note and inspirational quote.

The morning of you'll get up at 4AM and make "First Day of School" signs for each child to hold for photographs. Or you can just go ahead and make a full-on photo booth style backdrop.
Don't worry if you omit this step though, you can spend 3 hours later photo shopping your kids into their first day of school pictures.

Make sure and dress each kid in coordinating outfits and spend 35 minutes taking pictures with your phone.

Just to post on Facebook.

Now load everyone in the car and take them to school and spend 3 minutes in the parking lot crying until you remind yourself you are going to be late to work if you don't get your sh** together and get to work. In just 6 short hours to will be picking them up anyway and  chauffeuring them to softball and karate.

After you have worked an 8 hour day at your full time job.

So the next time those "90's moms"  say a single word about knowing how you feel, kindly remind them that they in fact do not have a clue.

The most stressful thing they had to deal with was deciding on a backdrop at Olan Mills.

Now head to Pueblo's and treat yourself to a margarita, cause you deserve it!