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Showing posts from August, 2016

Questions that keep me up at night.

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I don't dream a lot.  Josh says its because all my dreams came true when I married him, I beg to differ, though.


But when I do dream it usually contains some sort of scary near death experience.


Last night was no different.


Shortly before bed I tried to help one of my third graders with a math worksheet he'd brought home. Since it't only the second week of school, I'm pretty sure it was just a review of what they learned in 2nd grade. Which makes me feel even more like I am the one who need Kumon.


Apparently these days math is done with blocks. I had no idea.






This is what our conversation looked like last night:


Me: "What does this scrabble letter "T" mean?"













CJ: "Shoot... I don't even know!"


Me: "Where is the map key or Legend?"


CJ: "What's that?"


Me: "It tells you what these dumb blocks mean."


CJ: " I've never heard of that."


Me: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiilyn!!!!"


Rilyn: "Ma'am.&…

The Secret Life of Pets: CJ's Edition

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Why take my kids to see "Secret Life of Pets" when we are living in our own version right now?


Let me explain... while checking out the videos and photos on CJ's iPad I discovered his debut video for his new YouTube channel. (He doesn't have a YouTube channel, but judging by the video, he wants one.)




He starts off....."Hey guys! Thanks for joining me here again on CJ's reptiles."




Next he gives a shout out to  Snake Hunters Tv.




And I'm all like... "this is so cute!"




He continues..."I'll leave a link to Snake Hunters Tv right here." he says pointing up.







"Like right here... on my forehead." he adds, pointing to his forehead. (And I'm cracking up...) Note to self: I'll have to let his IT guys know the link isn't showing up.






 "So who's excited?!...Let's get started!" he exclaims happily. And at this point, I can't wait. What's next, what's next!





"Check out my little friend, the…

The adventures of riding the bus.

Everything is all cool until your kids almost spend the weekend at the bus barn.




The first week of school was great..... until Friday.




My MIL was having surgery on Friday (kidney stones, nothing major, I wished they had kept her a week... or two, though.)




My husband works at their family printing company and was manning it alone Friday (he usually picks the kids up from school) therefore, my kids were forced to ride the bus to my office.




Which, like getting braces and wearing glasses, they were much more excited about until it actually happened.




My kids have been car riders their entire life, so the idea of them having to ride the bus was exciting.






Let me give you the short cliff note version of what transpired:
3:30PM- My kids were dismissed from school
4:20 PM- I call the bus barn to inquire about when my kids would be dropped off at my office since our office closes at 4:30. (My office is literally 3 miles from the school.) The lady at the bus barn told me that  the bus was on the…

Husband hair cuts = Bad idea.

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It's been about a year since I've  been to a salon, so to say I'm in need of a haircut is an understatement.



To tell you the truth, I hadn't even thought about going to a salon or cutting my hair until I stumbled across a super easy fool-proof DIY video on Facebook.



I messaged it to myself for safe keeping.


And, as you can see, I've been marinating on it since August 7th.


I recently showed the video to my husband and informed him that he would be cutting my hair just like this.


He was hesitant, but I agreed to buy him a new Xbox game.  For that, he'll do pretty much anything.


"How often do you wash this?" he asked, looking at the hair-sprayed mess.


"Everyday!" I chirped. I lied. But this is also the same answer I give to my doctor when he asks how often I exercise and drink eight glasses of water.


He mumbled something as if he was describing a dead animal... something about "dead" and "stinky", but, whatever. A few secon…

I wrote a book and it's based on a true story.

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I'm kind of at a loss for words right now.  


So let me express to you the terrible, terrible, tragedy that just occurred the best way I know how. 


With my amazing artistic abilities.


Please allow me to introduce to you my new book called:










THE HAIR CUT MISTAKE.  Written and Illustrated by: Roxie Long  Based on a very true story.






Like everyone else, one day a beautiful girl named Roxie was browsing thru Facebook while in the bathroom, and she came across a DIY video depicting a easy-fool-proof way to layer your hair at home. It gave her a great idea.












She showed the video to her husband in an attempt to lure him in to cutting her hair. He immediately shook his head "no" and told her it was a bad idea. But he didn't have a choice, her mind was made up.










 So, very hesitantly, he agreed.  She noticed he seemed a bit nervous.










 And before she knew it, his nervousness was out the window and he went Jackie Chan on her hair.











When it was over, she could tell by the look on his f…

Crushed Dreams

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Like most 8 year old boys, my son has an obsession with all things herpetology. His excitement for this is equivalent to the excitement I have when my kids have to go to school on a holiday that I get the day off.

He LOVES 'em.

My feelings are the exact opposite.


This past weekend, while at a birthday party, I was approached by a random 7 year old girl,  "Um.... excuse me.... ma'am? Did you know your son is putting rollie-pollies all over your back?"


Good times.


Lately, his enthusiasm for creepy-crawly terrifying creatures has resulted in him staying up way past his bed time on the weekends watching vicious snake videos on YouTube.  So it wasn't much of a surprise when we sat down to write out a list for Santa and the very first thing he  listed was " a snake, or any reptile".
"Ugh..... CJ, I thought we already talked about this and I told you we aren't getting anymore animals?"


"No.... you said YOU weren't buying me a snake, so …

Introducing to you: The 2016 White Trash Babies of the Year!

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Be sure and pick up a copy of "Celebrity"- Polk Count Edition!

Meet the teacher gifts.

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You know it's a new school year by the ... fresh pencils,  wrinkle-free new school clothes,  backpacks that don't look like they lined the bottom of a chicken coop?


You know the feeling us moms have? Laying out the kid's clothes the night before, packing wholesome fresh lunches- complete with a handwritten note, the home cooked breakfast that don't come from the toaster...


I'm just not there yet.


Here we are ,day 3, and it's kind of a miracle my kids are even going to school. 


 For example, you should of seen us at meet-the-teacher. We literally ran (okay, maybe not ran... I don't run). We brisk-walked into the school 8 minutes before it was over.  Our school supplies shoved into walmart bags that we literally tossed into their class rooms like grenades as we randomly shook their new teacher's hand. And because of our tardiness  (and my lack of preparation) CJ's bag of school supplies also included a package of his new school underwear. 


He wasn…

90's moms don't know shhhhhh....

While grocery shopping with all four kids today, an out spoken older lady (probably in her mid-50's- around the same age as my mom) in a scooter, caught me at my lowest.


The store I was shopping at was out of my kid's favorite flavor of Ramen. My kids were not happy and demanded I speak to the manager and Ryker had just sharted out of his diaper.


I wanted to run far, far away.


And that lady got me thinking... my mother's generation, the 90's mother, really don't know a thing about the struggle of raising kids today.


I mean, kuddos to you, who if you (like my mom) had four kids with no epidural, just for fun. (I had a C-section so I don't know what it feels like to push a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon, as my mom says.)


But, what I do know is, my mom's generation had it easy.


Example #1: Flashback! Back-to-school 1990-ish


You start by taking your kids down to the local Sears to go shopping for back to school clothes.
You buy the younger kids o…

The first day of school {2016}

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This year my kids are going in to first (Raigen) and third (Rilyn & CJ) grade.
Every year I have dreams about my kids' first day of school. In my dream the drop-off greeters would have to pry my kids out of my minivan and escort them in to the school kicking and screaming because they didn't want to leave me. And then they would cry hysterically as I drove away .... their little faces smashed against the glass door. And I, who would be an emotional basket-case, would have to call in to work to go home and eat a whole box of honey buns and count down the time until I could pick up my little love angels. When the time arrived and I did get to pick them up, they would be so exhausted from their horrible day at school that they would throw themselves in to my minivan and an immediate fight would break out over who gets to hug me first. Its looking like my dream may come true this year... maybe, kinda, sorta. This morning CJ woke up at the crack of  dawn and dressed himself in…

Our perfect summer break.

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Is summer break really over? .... Like, really?


We have three days left until the first day of school. Threeeeeeeee.


THREE!

Can you believe it?



At the beginning of summer I found myself hating summer. I hated that we were so stinkin' busy. I wanted so badly to relax and take a real break and slowly but surely we did. And it was awesome.


But, the last few weeks I've noticed my news-feed has been filled up with friends trying to cram the last bit of summer fun into summer before school starts back again.


Most of you did a lot more than we did this summer and that has me thinking...


Did we make the most of our summer?


We took one trip to Yogi Bear Park.


And we went to the movies one time.




But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that our summer was perfect.



This summer my kids spent multiple Saturday mornings happily helping their Lubby cook breakfast. And learning how to make homemade lemonade.


This summer I took advantage of  our schedule-free Saturdays (when we had…

Fixer Upper

For the most part, I adore treasure hunts. That's the main reason I break out in hives whenever I spot a Ross or Marhalls store.

As you know recently we moved into a fixer upper and my husband and I have been working to renovate it entirely by ourselves. (My husband says its about as fun as peeing on spark plugs.)


Every time we start on a new project, I always hold my breath in hopes that behind a wall or piece of paneling we would find walls full of shiplap!

 I also hope that one day I will get a call, "hey, Roxie... so, Joanna Gains quit, and you're the next best thing.... Whata-ya-say?!"


But for the record, so far, all we have found are spider webs and dry rot.


But, because we are nice people, we don't want the future owners of  this home to experience the same disappointment we have so we have left special hidden gifts for them.


Written on the inside sub-floor of our master bedroom closet, is a letter to Santa I etched with black sharpie marker and f you pee…

Part two: I have a confession.

You wanna know a deep, dark secret about me?


Late at night, after everyone is sound asleep, I roam the house looking for trouble.


I like to take my kids' IPads from where they are suppose to be put up at and hide them in strange places:
Like, underneath the couch.

And, behind the living room television.

Or, on a pantry shelf next to the Capri Suns.


I do this to ruin their day. I like running my kids' day.... doesn't everyone?


While I'm at it, I usually rummage through their dresser drawers and remove all of their underwear and favorite Bratz PJs. I also purposely  leave one of their shoes in the living room and throw the other one into the back seat of my minivan. Or randomly place it in the closet where it belongs. You know, just for laughs.


Also, in my spare time, I like to scatter an entire brand-new box of crayons that's I just purchased two hours earlier onto the kitchen floor and walk over them for no apparent reason. After I've happily stomped on crayon…

I've been dumped.

We often don't appreciate what we have until its gone. 

Being dumped thirty minutes before dinner  when you have four kids to feed is not cool. After two burners quit and the glass on our stove cracked, we are officially in the market for a new stove. We have ordered pizza three times this week so I decided it was time to do some shopping at the only place open at 1 AM on Monday morning, the Livingston Craigslist Facebook Page.


I responded to both the offers of stoves for sale that I found. Surprisingly, I was super calm given the circumstances:


"I HAVEN'T FED MY KIDS IN TWO DAYS AND EVERY MICROWAVEABLE DINNER IS GONE, WE ARE STARVING!" I typed, in all caps.  "I NEED YOUR STOVE WAY MORE THAN THE COLLEGE KID THAT MESSAGED YOU BEFORE ME! PLEEEEEEEEASE! -HUNGRY FAMILY OF SIX."


It's been 14 hours since I sent the messages and I haven't heard back from anyone.

Hmmm.... that's weird.